Four Easy Ways to Stay Married After Valentine’s Day…and Forever

Four Easy Ways to Stay Married After Valentine’s Day…and Forever
Dr. Joey Faucette, Marriage Coach, Speaker & Author

February is regarded by many as “The Month of Love.” In February, we love our former presidents, Martin Luther King, Jr., and one another on Valentine’s Day. And yet the reality in this nation is that about 50% of all first marriages, 63% of all second marriages, and about 72% of third or more marriages end in divorce.
As a Marriage Coach for over 25 years, I’m really not surprised that more married people aren’t “feeling the love.” Most people want to stay in a loving, marriage relationship, but just don’t know how. Most couples ask for and receive so little preparation for marriage which means they collect relatively more “unloving” experiences than “loving” ones.
As with most collections of such “garbage” events, they start to smell after a few years of intense heating in the oven of marriage. Every day turns up the temperature, causing you to forget the love and just feel the heat.
If I’ve just described your marriage, here’s Four Easy Ways to Stay Married Forever using the word, L.O.V.E. as an acronym.

L—LISTEN TO YOUR SPOUSE
If you truly want to Stay Married Forever to your spouse, the first way is to LISTEN as if your life depends on it. And in a way, it really does, at least the life of your marriage does. Active listening—paying attention to, hearing, and feeding back—is simultaneously the easiest and hardest yet most valuable and underrated marital action. Let me give you an example.
My wife and I were in the kitchen together recently. She was rinsing dishes at the sink to put into the dishwasher. I was clearing the table at the other end of the room, and talking to her with my back to her.
While I’m talking, the exhaust fan is on over the stove. One of our yellow Labrador retrievers is batting around a purple ball that makes squeaky noises. I’m just talking away with my back to my wife.
All of a sudden, she says, “Wait a minute, honey. I can’t understand what you’re saying.” So she cuts the water off, turns off the exhaust fan over the stove, and reaches down and picks up the Lab’s ball. Then she says, “Now turn around and tell me your story again.”
I realized in that moment how much she loves me and how well she listens to me.
Do you listen to your spouse that well? Go the extra mile to turn down the noise of life so you can actively listen? As if your life depended on it?
Nothing helps you Stay Married Forever like listening carefully to your spouse. The L in L.O.V.E. is for LISTEN to your SPOUSE.

O—OBSERVE YOUR SPOUSE’S WANTS & NEEDS
While your spouse says many things verbally to you, and will say more as you listen more, there are some aspects to your relationship that are communicated nonverbally. These aspects require you to listen with your eyes, i.e., observe your spouse’s wants and needs. As both of you observe the other, it’s amazing what you discover you’re willing to do for each other.
When my wife was pregnant with our first child, she really wanted a certain kind of baby crib. She took me to the “baby store” and pointed out every little detail she loved about it.
I didn’t have enough money to buy it, but I really wanted it for her. So I decided to sell my shotgun that I had received when I was a teenager. On my way to the pawn shop, I stopped by to visit a friend who said he wanted it. I sold the shotgun to him and bought the crib for my wife.
About twelve years later, on my fortieth birthday, my wife threw a huge birthday party for me. After everyone left, she took me into my home office and said, “There’s one more thing. Here’s your birthday present” and she handed me my shotgun that I had sold to buy the baby crib.
My wife observed my unselfish act of love, and rewarded it with one of her own. That gun now hangs on our den wall as a daily reminder of how much my wife loves me.
Every marriage includes unspoken statements; acts that speak volumes that you can only observe as a personal want or need is demonstrated. Such was the case with my wife’s wanting that particular baby crib and my desire for my shotgun.
Nothing keeps you Married Forever like observing carefully your spouse’s wants and needs. The O in L.O.V.E. reminds you to OBSERVE your SPOUSE’S WANTS AND NEEDS.

V—VALIDATE YOUR LISTENING & OBSERVATIONS
In the previous example of my observing my wife’s desire for the special baby crib, what if I had just noted it and not acted on it? Or, what if she had sincerely appreciated my gracious act, but not observed my sacrifice and responded in a special way?
The observations would have no validations.
Let me ask it this way: What if you made a deposit at your bank, then got your monthly statement, and saw that they had not credited you for it? Would you call the bank and talk with a manager?
Sure you would! Well, what’s the difference between that scenario and not acting on what you’ve heard and observed about your spouse’s wants and needs?
None, of course.
Validate what you listen to your mate say and what you observe your partner as wanting and needing by acting to acknowledge it. Let her/him know that “Yes, I value you so I listen to you carefully and observe your wants and needs.”
Nothing helps you Stay Married Forever like validating what you hear and see about your mate. The V in L.O.V.E. encourages you to VALIDATE what you hear and observe in your marriage.

E—EXPRESS YOUR LOVE
I really enjoy feeding the birds in winter. I set up a bird feeder in our backyard every winter. My problem is that squirrels love bird feeders, too.
I waged war on the squirrels one winter. I borrowed an air rifle, and started looking for the mangy “tree rats.” I looked for the squirrels every time I walked by our bay window, just waiting for them to show themselves so that I could grab the rifle, sneak outside around the corner of our home, and shoot them. I even put our daughters on alert—“Girls, let me know if you see a squirrel on our bird feeder.”
That is, until our younger daughter said, “Daddy, we used to look out the window for pretty birds. Now we look for ugly squirrels.”
When she said that, I realized that all the joy of my bird feeder was gone. That I wasn’t looking for pretty birds and their magnificent colors any more, but ugly squirrels that I could shoot.
It’s easy to see only the ugly squirrels in your marriage, isn’t it? To go to divorce court because you stopped looking for the beautiful in your spouse?
Nothing helps you Stay Married Forever like expressing your L.O.V.E. to your spouse based on your listening, observing, and validating.
What best expresses L.O.V.E. to your spouse? Gary Chapman suggests each of us has a preferred love language, i.e., a way of receiving expressions of love that communicates best with who we are.
Your tendency is to assume that your spouse speaks the same love language as you do. Not necessarily. Make sure you ask your spouse, “What is there that I say or do for you that best expresses how much I love you?”
Then make sure you follow up by saying or doing it as often as possible.
EXPRESS your L.O.V.E. to your spouse not just during “The Month of Love,” like on Valentine’s Day. Make it a year-round habit so you and your spouse will Stay Married Forever.

All Rights Reserved—Faucette

Discover more Stay Married Forever resources at www.StayMarriedForever.org

or call toll free 1.877.4DRJOEY.

Valentines Day

Cindy and Steve were married last summer. This February 14 is their first Valentine's Day as husband and wife. They each want to make it a memorable one, but wonder, "How do we do that?"

Fran and Paul have been married 23 years. That's forever in dog years. Valentine's Day is just another date on the calendar for them. But CNN said Americans will spend about $13 billion on the holiday so they ought to do something. Besides they continue to love each other deeply, but aren't sure how to celebrate again in a meaningful way.

Despite the difference in years of marriage-human or dog-Cindy and Steve and Fran and Paul face the same dilemma, "How do we successfully celebrate Valentine's Day?" This is my third decade as a Marriage Coach and during the years, I've discovered three keys to successful Valentine's Day celebrations. These three keys grow from my use of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator®, helping couples understand their unique personality behaviors, and why "Opposites Attract."

Public or Private?
Cindy and Steve, Fran and Paul are each energized in one of two ways: the outer world of people and things or the inner world of ideas and concepts. Extroverts get energy from the outer world. Introverts pay more attention to their inner worlds.

For their Valentine's Day celebration to be successful, each couple must decide whether to celebrate publicly-go to a restaurant with every other couple in town and see their friends-or privately-a quiet, intimate evening at home, just the two of them. Extroverts want to make a party out of any event so they'll prefer the restaurant. Introverts are more comfortable with one-on-one conversation so they'll choose home.

The key for whoever does the Valentine's planning in each couple is to know which personality preference their spouse has. Typically, Steve just does what suits his personality preference, but if the evening is to be done up right for Cindy, her personality preference is considered first.

Also, a nice alternative if you are an Extrovert like Paul and your spouse is an introvert like Fran is going out of town to a smaller, more intimate restaurant. You'll know fewer people to interrupt so your "Fran" is satisfied, and you'll be out in public with others so your "Paul" is energized.

Mushy or Manly?
When choosing gifts or cards, most of us select what we'd like or what makes sense to us. Yet, men and women tend to make decisions quite differently. Men are often more objective and may hurt feelings without meaning to. Women are usually more subjective and put others' feelings first.

Steve's and Paul's objectivity engineers their card choice. Ever wonder why all of the larger cards are at the top of the racks? Steve is taller than Cindy so it's in his line of sight. And because Paul is more objective, he associates size-a bigger card-with more affection for Fran. He depends on the card's author to say something appropriate. So Steve and Paul select a large card, skim it, and leave.

Objectivity determines their gift decisions, also. "What does she need?" or "What did she tell me she wanted?" are critical questions for Steve and Paul to know when buying.

Cindy and Fran make for a successful Valentine's celebration when they appreciate card size and drop "hints" for what they want or expect.

Cindy and Fran's subjectivity drives their card choice. They'll search for quite some time, reading myriads of cards, to say just what their hearts feel for their husbands, not to mention their children, parents, friends, etc.

Subjectivity greatly influences their gift decisions as well. Cindy and Fran ponder at length and walk through the stores for hours for something that's "just right" for their husbands.

Steve and Paul create a successful Valentine's celebration when they carefully read and comment specifically on the words in a card and appreciate their gifts with words like, "You really went out of your way to get this gift. It's great!"

Stand-By or Surprise?
Cindy and Steve may not have discovered it yet, but Fran and Paul have-who enjoys surprises and who doesn't? Who gets bored easily and who doesn't?

Fran knows that Paul values consistency. For Paul, going to the same restaurant every year for Valentine's Day-his ole stand-by-is what he's most likely to do. Conversely, she is more spontaneous, likes variety, and gets bored going to the same restaurant every year.

Since they've been to the same restaurant for the last three years, Fran tells Paul, "I know you like to go to Bubba's House of Ribeyes, but this year for Valentine's Day, what do you say we go somewhere else? I don't care where. Just surprise me with another restaurant, okay?"

Fran realizes that to get her desires met and create a successful Valentine's Day celebration, she has to declare those needs and give Paul some help in finding a way out of his preference and closer to hers. And hopefully Paul will listen to Fran, call Bubba, and cancel his reservation for the cozy table in the corner near the salad bar.

You Can Do It, Too!
Like Cindy and Steve, Fran and Paul, you and your spouse can enjoy a Happy Valentine's Day celebration by using these three keys to unlock your "Opposites Attract" factors in your marriage. Just ask yourselves,

"Public or Private?

"Mushy or Manly?"

"Stand-By or Surprise?" and enjoy a wonderful Valentine's Day.

Marriage Coach Dr. Joey Faucette has helped thousands of couples over the last three decades to avoid the emotional and financial devastation of divorce and discover the satisfaction and stimulation of Staying Married Forever. You go to the C.O.R.E. of your marriage when you live into the joy of Conflict resolution, the strength of how Opposites attract, the understanding of your Relevant issues, and the pleasure that comes with knowing how to Express yourself.

Go deep into the C.O.R.E. of your marriage with Dr. Joey Faucette through Couple Coaching, the Ultimate At-Home Study Course, teleseminars, and other effective Stay Married Forever resources. Go to http://www.StayMarriedForever.org or call 1.877.4DRJOEY now.

Marriage Tips 1 and 2

1. Prepare to stay married forever as thoroughly as you do for your wedding day. Five years from now the flowers are dead and the cake is eaten, but you still wake up next to your spouse. Prepare accordingly.

2. Beat the odds of winding up in divorce court—50% of all first marriages, 63% of second marriages, and 72% of third or more marriages—by doing marriage coaching before and during your marriage. The I.R.S. gives you booklets to explain their forms, but nothing came with your marriage certificate.